


Parenthood

by AughtPunk



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Bread, Carlos has a son that is bread, Carlos is a good Dad, Loaf, Loaf AU, Loaf babies, Look I can't think of another way to explain it, M/M, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 09:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3972364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A brief fic about Carlos the Scientist and his bread-based son, Carloaf</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parenthood

"Date: January 14th, 2013. Time: Either noon, three-thirty, or seven o'clock depending on which clock you look at. Researcher: Carlos. Subject-"

Carlos' fingers tapped against the side of the old fashioned tape recorder. His fellow scientists made fun of him for using such outdated technology, but he had found the older the technology the more likely it was to work in Night Vale. That and it was the only way to take notes after the pen and pencil ban. He knew he was wasting valuable tape space with his delay.

"Subject is..."

On the table in front of him sat a tiny version of himself. Not a baby. Certainly not human. Carlos knew exactly what it was made of yet he couldn't explain how those simple ingredients turned into a small bread version of himself. The little 'loaf' was sitting silently and staring up at Carlos with big brown eyes. His eyes, which made it all the more weird. Carlos picked the little bread-creature up.

"Subject is a six-inch tall life form made of rice-flour, yeast, salt, and a few other ingredients detailed in my earlier notes. It weighs roughly half a pound while wearing its little labcoat and goggles. Both of which it was somehow born with. The skin feels warm and soft to the touch. All x-rays taken have come back blank, but the creature clearly is able to eat and digest food."

Carlos rolled the tiny loaf creature in his hands. He brushed his thumb against the creature's skin, causing it to giggle.

"Subject is aware and shows basic sentience. It responds to outside stimuli including bright lights and noises. So far the creature hasn't spoken but can make basic sounds. According to my research these 'loafs' are able to learn a multitude of languages. Not to mention they have the ability to learn how to read and write. From what I can gather the loaf's personality should reflect their 'baker' as it were."

He carefully put the loaf back down. "On that note I must stress the loaf's resemblance to myself. It's skin is the exact same shade as mine. It's hair has the same white streaks on the side despite only being a day old. The loaf also has my eye color and, according to my fellow researchers, my smile. I suppose in a way the subject is-"

"Pa!"

Carlos jumped a little at the sudden noise from the tiny loaf. It waved its front nubby limbs at him.

"I think it's trying to talk."

"Pa! Pa!"

"If I didn't know any better I would guess it was trying to say-"

"Papa!" The little loaf wiggled over to Carlos' hand. It nuzzled Carlos' thumb with its cheek. "Papaaaaaa..."

Carlos held his breath as he watched the little loaf. He needed to make a note of this development. Instead he picked the little loaf up and smiled.

"As I was saying, I suppose in a way the subject is...my son."

***

This was a terrible idea.

Carlos stared down at his cup of coffee and tried to remember how he wound up here. Somehow, beyond all logic and reason, he had asked Cecil out for a cup of coffee. Which was odd because he had recently dedicated his life to avoiding Cecil Palmer. Not that there was anything wrong with the man! It was just...

Just...

Science. Yes. Science. He had science to do. And it was extremely hard to focus on doing science when Cecil was around. There was something about the man's voice that made Carlos' mind wander. Now that Cecil was sitting across the table from him he found it near impossible to think about anything that wasn't hearing Cecil moan his name or-

"Your son really is adorable, Carlos."

The word 'son' snapped Carlos back to the present. At Cecil's request Carlos had brought little Bunlos to their not-a-date. Carlos wasn't sure where the name Bunlos had come from. He said it out loud one day and it just seemed right. His bread-boy was sitting in the middle of the table next to Cecil's own bread-based child. Buncil. Of course it was named Buncil. It looked exactly like the radio host, down to the glasses and third eye.

Carlos reminded himself not to stare at the third eye. He was pretty sure that would be rude.

"T-Thank you." Carlos somehow forced out. "He's...sweet. And mostly naps."

"Oh, they all do at this age." Cecil grinned. Carlos was pretty sure human teeth shouldn't be that sharp. "In a few months he'll be a real handful! But one goes into loaf parenting knowing that it's a life changing experience. I'm just glad you got it to work."

"Yes. Yes. I'm happy. too." Carlos looked down at the two little loafs instead of Cecil's lips. Both of them were taking a nap on a warmed croissant.

"Soooooooo-" Cecil traced a finger around the rim of his mug. "You said time was all wrong or something...?"

"Hmm? Oh yes. See, about those clocks-" Carlos switched into science-mode, which was a load off his mind. That way he could focus on his recent experiments and not the way Cecil's foot was nudging against his own. Every now and then he would glance down at the little loaf babies whenever he needed to pull his thoughts away from doing something indecent in a coffee house.

Buncil and Bunlos were both fast asleep.

The second time he looked down the loafs were right next to each other.

By the third time Carlos looked down at the kids the two buns were squished together. If he didn't know any better he could have sworn they were-

"Kissing?"

"Kissing?" Cecil repeated. He followed Carlos' gaze and gasped. "Oh. My. God! They're smooshed together! Where's my camera?"

"Smooshed?" Carlos said as his stomach twisted. "So um, not kissing?"

"It's different. See, loafs don't really 'do' kisses. Or sex. Instead they just smoosh together! Aww, this is adorable! Do you want a copy of this picture?" Cecil fished his smartphone out and held it over the two buns. "I can email you a copy if you want."

"S-sure." Carlos sank down in his chair. His month old bread-based son was better at romance than he was. He didn't know how to feel about that.

***

Carlos brushed a chunk of plaster off his shoulder. The lab was a mess to say the least. Honestly, he was thankful that no one got hurt when the angry T-Rex burst in through the wall. Now a sudden dinosaur wouldn't have been that shocking to Carlos. But the fact that the dinosaur had a police badge was enough for him to realize something was wrong. He looked down at Carloaf, who was almost radiating guilt. "Carloaf, what did I ask you not to do?"

Carloaf's whole body seemed to deflate from Carlos' words. "Not to use my time machine to change history so dinosaur's rule the Earth?"

"And what did you do?"

"...used my time machine to change history so dinosaurs rule the Earth."

Carlos sighed. Cecil's warning from long ago truly undersold being a loaf-parent. Carloaf had grown so much over the past six months. He was now almost double his original size, and weighed almost as much as a cat. Not to mention he had picked up a habit of wearing little shirts covered in bread-based puns. The one Carloaf had on today featured a slice of bread dressed up as a leprechaun with the words 'TOAST OF THE MORNING TO YA!' above it. But to go with Carloaf's taste in shirts he also developed a habit of getting into trouble.

"Carloaf, time is weird enough in Night Vale as it is. You need to be more careful when you use your microwave to catch butterflies."

"I'm sorry Papa." Carloaf said as he twisted the hem of his labcoat between his nubs. Just like Carlos did when he was nervous. "Please don't hate me."

"Hate you? Carloaf!" Carlos picked his little loaf son up. "Carloaf I would never, ever hate you! I love you to the moon and back. And how far is that?"

"At least five hundred feet!"

"That's right." Carlos held Carloaf close. Months ago he might have felt foolish for saying such things. But after a near-death experience he knew he couldn't keep lying to himself about his own feelings. When he was lying on the floor of the bowling alley he swore to be the best father he could. He also swore to finally ask Cecil out on that date, but that wasn't relevant at the time. Carlos lifted Carloaf up enough to kiss him on top of his head. "So remember that. I love my little loaf son."

"And I love you, Papa!"

"But you're still grounded."

"Aww dang."

**Author's Note:**

> Carloaf, his friends, and their adventures can be followed at http://askcarloaf.tumblr.com/


End file.
